Abused Lambs                                                        Page 1

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Poems and Thoughts

Speak Out

If you would like to share your story, send it to: story@silentlambs.org

Reprinted excerpts may be edited for spelling and context.

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THIS ABUSER HAS PASSED ON BUT HIS STORY IS CHILLING . The wife ignored  incidents, later when the facts came out she kept quiet to protect her children. children.The elders in at least 4 congregations patted him  on the back and  blamed the children and one woman victim. I will give the last of the story because I personally was trying to keep him from hurting other people. He finally came to justice when a grand child of a 3rd women he married turned him in and at last he spent 5 years in prison. I knew he abused and was a serial abuser and also read  two news articles of women being killed in towns were he worked and suspected that also. His wife ,I thought would help to  get evidence so I told her  about the news articles , one was across the street from where  his office was, the other was a van description like his. He  stalked a sister  right after I told her to watch for behaviior that was not normal. She did not tell me until 2 years later.  Back to the elders the single sister who was stalked was disfellowed because he spied on her having a affair. He was talked to nothing else, they moved because her mom was mad. Years later his wife told me I thought you were out of your mind to think he would kill someone, but in 2 instances of panic she told me twice, once I called the police but she would not tell her story and they listened to me like I was making it up.  Finally, while he was in prison my daughter who was also a victim, contacted the police, they worked a little on it, but just before he was released, she talked to the policman and he told her there are a lot of his relatives here, You are endangering yourself  to continue. After his release he went to a small town, I found out he as going in service with a  pioneer sister and giving her his women calls. This was about 7 years ago. I ask my husband an elder to call the presiding overseer in that congregation, to warn them. He knew of the abuse and the prison term because the abuser had been smart to tell him, I ask my husband to stick with the facts, my daughter,my friends 2 sisters, one he took a gun to force her and her boyfriend to get in his car and she ran away,a child here that went to the elders with nothing  done and a friend of mine that call me and reported it to the elders. The overseer told my huband we know about the prison sentence he told us and your wife, that is her word against his!

SJ

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I was 5 years old when my mom started going to bible study. No more holidays, no more birthdays, no more anything. But that was fine with me. We lived in Quincy, MA and for the first time in my life, I had other children to play with, and my mother had other single moms to associate with. We were active, we were happy, we were not shunned. I wanted to be baptized just like my mom some day and go door-to-door and help others to repent their sins to Jehovah and live in peace on earth.

Then we moved to Wooster, OH. Mom was still single and I was 9 years old. One of the sisters in the congregation was a babysitter and her husband was an brother on his way to being an Elder. They lived right up the street from us. I started going there because I was getting beat up at school. They had children my age and I loved being around them.
But mom was looked down on because she was single. Members of the Congregation really didn't want to have anything to do with us. Then, about a year after we moved to Wooster, it happened. This "Brother" did things I wasn't sure I was to comfortable with. It happened for quite some time. I was to afraid to tell my mom. Who's going to believe me over him? My mom already beat the snot out of me on a regular basis.
Child services had been called, but the congregation helped mom to keep me. Because it would have been so tragic to let me go live with my dad.

Now my mother helped these people to buy a house. And as I got older
(11) the things that were happening happened less and less. Then I started to worry. There were other kids in this house!!! Younger children. What if he was doing it to them instead? So I asked his daughter, who was only a couple years younger then me. Does your daddy do blah blah blah? Her response to me was that was just daddy playing.
I wanted to die. Literally. How was I, an 11 year old little girl going to stop this? I couldn't let it go on.

I didn't have to. The daughter told her mother that night what we had talked about. The mother confronted her husband and they both went to the Elders about it. He was made to come to my house and tell my mother what had happened. You know what her response to me was? Your clothes are to revealing. Shorts in the summer is to revealing. I never cried so hard in my life.

Shortly after words, after a Sunday meeting, I was taken into a room full of all the Elders in the Congregation by my self. Do you know what they said? Because he is repentant to Jehovah, this is not going to leave the Congregation. We are not getting the police or anybody involved. WHAT!!!! I cried some more.

Well, of course I told my dad what had happened and my grandmother too.
Neither of which had anything to do with Jehovah's Witnesses. Based on what happened with this man, the courts awarded custody to my dad. Now please remember this was prior to all of this major sexual predator offenses they now have. But this man served only weekends in jail and had to pay for my counseling. His wife lost her babysitting license.
He wasn't disfellowshipped. But 2 years later my mom was for having pre-marital sex. This, from the same Elders who were okay with a man molesting a little girl.

I will never bad mouth Jehovah's Witnesses. My time with the people in Quincy were some of the most joyous times of my life. But as they say, it only takes one bad apple to ruin the bunch, and that for me is the truth.

SE

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I started studying with Jehovah's Witnesses when I was only seventeen years old.  My parents were quite opposed to this, as they thought that it was a cult, and to my surprise six years later, I realize that it is.

I was a very enthusiastic young witness, always wanting to do the right thing.  I was prepared to make any sacrifice that I had to in order to please Jehovah God, and I did.  I lost all of my childhood friends, but felt that I had gained new ones in the Kingdom Hall.

Just before I was baptized in the summer of 2002, I attended a barbecue hosted at a large farm by one of the families in our Vegreville Congregation.  I met a young man there and I felt that we immediately had a connection.  I was under false pretences at the time that "all Jehovah's Witnesses are good" and so I never questioned anyone's motives in the organization, I just assumed that everyone was a good person who wanted to serve Jehovah.  This young man, twenty six at the time, seemed wonderful, charming and kind.  He especially enjoyed children and I was moved by how he was able to connect with the children on their level and play so well with them.  We spent nearly the entire afternoon together and then at the end of the evening we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. It was only a matter of days until we started talking very frequently and began dating.  He had come to visit my congregation often and the very first time he did, a brother, not a ministerial servant or an elder approached me and said that, "this brother was no good." but he refused to tell me on what pretended he thought so.  I was baffled.  I didn't heed his advice because I thought that it was unfair in the eyes of Jehovah to judge someone by gossip and hearsay.  So I mentioned this to my boyfriend and assured him that I could make up my own mind about him and didn't need a second opinion.  We continued to date and then when I moved away to go to college we broke it off with the intension of getting back together after I was finished my program.  Two years later, we did see each other again.  It was my goal to regular pioneer and I wanted a husband who would join me in the full time ministry.  I brought this up several times and after being quite angry that I would want this from him finally told me that he could NEVER pioneer.  I couldn't understand this, as I was unaware that people could have their privileges taken away.  I tried extremely hard to get him to open up to me and tell me what he had done.  He wouldn't.  I left it alone thinking that in his own time he would tell me.  Again, I was warned that he was "not a good brother" by the exact same brother, but I kept thinking that this was unkind to say that about anyone and kept staying with him. 

Finally my boyfriend had proposed to me, and we were engaged.  Once everyone had heard this, they all seemed happy, but a little reserved.  I didn't know why, until....

I had gotten angry with my husband -to -be because he refused to tell me of  his past transgression.  I insisted that he tell me if I was going to marry him.  What he had told me was shocking.  There was no way I could have ever been prepared for what he was about to tell me.  He told me while we were on the telephone, when he had finished I nearly fainted and dropped the phone.  

He had said, " I touched some children."  I was shocked.  I wanted to know everything as, he had wanted to have children with me as soon as we got married. He had said that he had preformed numerous acts of sodomy on children his nieces and nephews from the ages of 3 years old up to 8 years old.  This went on for years.  I wanted to know the details, to know how severe this was.  He claims that he touched their genitals orally as well as manually when they were sleeping.  In his mind, they children had no recollection of this because they were "asleep".  I was outraged.  I was spinning.  I didn't understand why the elders would allow someone that had performed these acts in the congregation.  He told me that he was "publicly reproved" and his privileges of serving as an elder, ministerial servant or regular pioneer were also taking away, but that he was free to go out in service as much as he liked.  He was not accompanied by an elder in the field service, I know because I was there.  On several occasions he was out in service with young girls and boys, with no one supervising him!  I wanted him to be arrested for his crimes, but his family refused to press charges.  I wanted him to seek therapy, but he refused.  I talked to his parents about this matter explaining that I didn't know how to deal with this issue, as I could never trust our future children with him.  They explained to me that it was "taking care of" and to stop making trouble and leave it alone.  I approached the elders and they brushed it off saying that they didn't want to deal with this because they could be sued for "slander" as could I if I went to the authorities. They best solution they said was to "forgive and forget.  He is sorry for what he has done."  That wasn't good enough for me. I dumped him.  Anyone that protects child molesters does NOT have God's spirit.  I finished my last talk and never went back to the kingdom hall, and probably never will. The brothers didn't talk to me for 10 months then called me on the phone and claim that I was to be disfellowshiped for putting pumpkins on my deck for Halloween.  In an organization that disfellowships people for something as petty as that but does not disfellowship the members that are child molesters is insane.

Thanks for listening.

VJ

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I was born into the truth- I'm 35 years old now.

When I was 8 years old, my father, who was an elder, had friends who came to visit frequently. The friends had a son named ______.  _________ began sexually molesting me when I was 8 and he was 16. I can't recall how long that went on, but the memories I have are of the ground and the trees and my hair being caught up under me and I couldn't move.  I was outside most every time and was usually playing alone or with a friend he'd dismiss to get me alone. When I was 14, I admitted all of this to my mother. She went promptly to my father and family.  I believe the other family was contacted but nothing happened.

My brother was molested by one of the JW brothers who had volunteered to baby sit he and I one night while my parents went out.  I believe my brother was around 5 or 6 years old.  I have no idea what happened to this man, but he was eventually disfellowshipped for other reasons some time later.

My other brother is now an elder. He has a son who when he was 13 years old, we caught trying to give oral sex to my then 5 year old daughter.  We removed him from our home immediately, called his parents and they denied everything to begin with and then my nephew came clean a few days later.  I don't believe he went through counseling or anything was done to correct the behavior. He did call us and apologize. But my fear is that something has happened to _____ to make him act out like this- perhaps he's had the same things done to him?

Thank you for having a site like this - I have had healing just from sharing and reading that there are others just like me.  Thank you.

JC

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I Was Raised In "The Truth" And Am A Survivor Of Incest

by

M P

I was raised in "the truth." I was born into a Jehovah’s Witness family in 1977 in the Caribbean, in Belize. It’s a small country about the size of Vermont with a few hundred thousand descendants of African slaves, Mayans, the Spanish, and British colonialists. We immigrated to the States when I was about four years old, in 1981. Within a couple of years, we moved right across the street from the L C Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses in south central Los Angeles, California. My parents had already converted to The Truth, as the religion is called by its members, after some men came to their door in Belize about a decade earlier. My dad quit smoking and my mom sewed matching dresses for me and my twin sister N to wear to the meetings and to book studies.

I can honestly say that I remember L C as a warm congregation filled with earnest and loving faces – the M’s, a young interracial couple with four young children who’d spend evenings at our home watching Lakers games in the 1980s, the C’s, the Y’s, including my best friend D, and lots of other "friends." People really believed in the religion. It was the perfect solution for whatever my parents had just escaped from. My only clues as to what those things are is that I know that they were both raised as Anglicans, or basically Catholics. My dad was from a poor, rural, alcoholic family and my mother was severely physically and emotionally abused by her mother until her late teens. Both my parents were and are people of color – my mom is Black and my dad a mix of Spanish, mestizo and some white, I think. They met in the sixties, fell in love, found "the truth," and moved to the States. All of a sudden, I guess, life made sense and they had all of the answers. The grocery stores were filled with aisles of food, we had five television sets, this was the land of opportunity, and everything would get better still because they were "just waiting for the New World Order." "The End was near." "This old system of things will soon come to an end."

I remember the five day district conventions at Dodgers’ Stadium and I participated in a Circuit Assembly in Norco. Me and N refrained from doing the pledge of allegiance at school, and we stayed away from children who were part of "the world." No dances, no birthdays, no holidays, no dating, no sleepovers, no smoking marijuana, no playing sports (although that issue was forced in high school when we both wanted to run track and field). No nothing. We were perfect, pure little gems who had to be home by dark every night. My mother would work all day at a doctor’s office as a medical biller and my dad had about three jobs in the 1980s, including one job as a security guard. I remember my mother peeling off his hot, wet socks after he’d pass out on the bed some nights when he’d come home after work. He worked hard. One night he got us a black Labrador puppy named C. And a set of baseball gloves and bats. My parents bought a motor home and took us all camping every now and then. We went to Las Vegas a lot. It was a seemingly wonderful little immigrant, post-colonial family complete with a nice set of Victorian arm chairs and couches covered in plastic. .

And then, when I was about eight years old, my father started coming into our room, the kids’ room, late at night after he’d got home from work and my mother was sleeping with the TV on. I could hear him making huffing and puffing noises next door behind the partition with my older sister S. He started coming over to me and my sister N’s bunk bed and touching us, caressing us, kissing us, and even fondling my brother in his bed. One day I asked him why he came in and touched us at night and he said, "Oh no no no, darling. That’s our little secret. But if anyone ever tells you about another ‘little secret’ you come tell me right away okay? You’re Daddy’s little girl and I love you." I said, "Okay. I love you too, Daddy." My dad took me into the shower with him when I was only eight or nine years old and he made me do crazy things. I started wetting the bed at night and then sleeping in my older sister S’s bed with her. I slept in her bed as often as I could until I was about fourteen years old.

When we moved to A in the High Desert about an hour and half away, the abuse got worse. My dad lost his job as chief security guard at a mall in Los Angeles, we could barely keep up with the bills, and my brother was giving trouble. The abuse escalated to unspeakable proportions, and my mother didn’t seem to notice a thing. Even when I was sulking one day after being forced to perform oral sex the night before and my father said out loud, in my mother’s presence, "I know what M’s going to do. She’s going to go to the authorities and say that I’m abusing her." My mother said, "Oh, she’d never do a thing like that." They both dismissed me and went about their business.

We had book study meetings at our home and occasional congregational "get-togethers." My father was a ministerial servant in the A congregation, someone who was supposed to set an example for everyone. My sister and I became auxiliary pioneers, going door to door on a regular basis. We talked about good morals and values during the day, but at night we were molested regularly and brutally by my father. On nights when my mother was working in Los Angeles and spending the night down there, my dad would come into our rooms masturbating, smiling crazily, and smelling like rum. I saw both of my sisters raped, one in broad daylight. (Since I have brought all of this up in the family in recent years, one sister has denied the rapes and said that what I remember is "nothing but Satan and his minions possession [my] mind.") And I was held down and raped by my father, the man of God, the head of the family who was supposed to protect me and love me and be good to me, on several occasions. It was a nightmare.

Now, somehow, I made it into adulthood and am a practicing civil rights attorney. I spend my days helping people who have been violated, harassed and discriminated against in the workplace. It’s fulfilling work, but sometimes a little triggering. Somehow, I made it out of what I now consider to be a cult called the Jehovah’s Witnesses and out of an abusive family. The first step was completely exiting the situation. I managed a scholarship to a college three thousand miles away when I was seventeen even though, at the time (1995), the Witnesses discouraged going to college and recommended just spending a life going to door to door preaching because "the End" was too near to waste time on higher education. Somehow, after acting out with years of alcoholic behavior, substance abuse, abusive relationships, and other self-destructive habits, I’m just arriving at a place where I have a personal relationship with a loving God of my choosing and with friends and family members that I choose to trust and love. God is a loving God. I’ve had to have and still do participate in all kinds of intensive therapy, including therapy for dissociation and "integrating" different parts of my personality that were "split off" because of the abuse. I’ve been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, taken medication when the memories got really bad, and done lots of writing. I used to feel very ashamed and confused about all of this, but it is just who I am. I’ve recently reported the abuse by my father to the police and District Attorney in A, Los Angeles, and Belize and I am contemplating taking adverse civil action against my father and the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Thankfully, in California the statutes of limitation are generally extended in cases like mine.

I hope that what I have gone through will help someone else in their journey. Most of all, I hope that my new outlook on the past will help those of us ex-Witnesses who may feel that we have lost precious time in this devastating religion or that we have lost our innocence because of the abuse. It’s my belief now that I would not be the person I am today were it not for my parents and the religion that they chose. I love my family and even though I choose not to be around them or their religious beliefs, there is nothing that they could ever do that could make that love go away. I have no problem stating that they thought they had "the truth," but it was just a pack of lies. They taught us to be pure, but that is not what they practiced. In my opinion, the religion is place where evil is easily manifested because children are taught to obey only those associated with the religion, with "the truth," and deny the rest of the world. This often means denying what is right in front of our eyes. The most trusted and most important people are the parents, then the ministerial servants, then the elders, and on up. No room, as I remember it, for psychiatrists, therapists, lawyers, police, and other authority figures not associated with the truth. I think this is the reason why my sister has accused me of being "possessed by Satan." That seems to be the family’s answer to every challenge – it’s just the hand of Satan moving about.

The End never did come and even if it is coming, it won’t change the fact that there is a lot of pain that was caused by my father’s experience of alcoholism in his family and my mother’s experience of physical and emotional abuse in her family. We also have the legacy of colonialism and racial hurts that have been passed down for years and years. I think this was also something that my father must have been trying to communicate when he engaged in such shocking behavior and what my mother must have been avoiding when she refused to see it. I don’t think they ever got over their own "isms" and they passed those legacies of trauma, denial and abuse on down to me and to my siblings. We were supposed to cover it all up and smooth it over by being good Witnesses. But not me. They can count me the hell out. The cycle of hurt, trauma, and denial stops with me. It has been observed by many writers and scholars that the religion of the Jehovah’s Witnesses is one of those intense Christian sects that people tend to use to cover up deep scars and wounds of the past. I firmly believe that if these deep scars and wounds are not faced and dealt with directly, they will show themselves in the end anyway. And that is the real truth.

M P

mdp@revelationlaw.com

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To begin, I am so thankful for coming across this website. I had no clue that there were so many people, mainly women who have been affected by JW's.

My story started when I was ten almost eleven years old. I was born into the truth as they call it through my mother. She has been a faithful witness for nearly 30 years now. After my father left I was shipped to Haiti to live with my mother because my sister couldn't take care of all four of us on her own. However, before my father left he became very abusive physically. He would get mad for no reason or would hit us whenever my stepmother told a lie about us. He used to beat me with an extension cord. Till this day we all have the scars to prove it. I remember being very young and my sister going to the elders for help, and they suggested that she remain humble and accepts the beatings.  They also would make her feel it was her fault and that she was provoking him and that's why he would beat us.

Going back to the story, when I arrived in Haiti, I was met by my mother and my sister's boyfriend. At first he seemed really nice, caring, supportive, understanding; he would always bring me something when he would visit. After a few moths our special relationship changed. He became very affectionate and touchy. My mother would bring me to his house and leave me there for the day. He was a grown man in his twenty's and I was eleven years old. He started out by kissing me on the lips and told me that he wanted to taste my lips and that it was very sweet. He than started to touch me every chance he got. This went on until I was shipped to Florida. After spending a year in Florida living with strangers, I was sent back to Haiti. The touching then turned to sexual molestation. As soon as I returned he started to molest me again, then showing me how to perform oral sex on him the way he wanted it.  At age 13, he got me pregnant ironically my great mother didn't bother to ask me why I haven't gotten my period for two months. At first I didn't know I was pregnant, he knew I was because he always kept track of my period. He convinced me that by getting an abortion was the only right thing and that I wasn't ready for motherhood, also that it would ruin everything if people found out. He convinced me that I was doing the right thing. He took me to his friend's (another woman) and told her it was by someone else. After I had the abortion it started all over again. My mother never asked any questions never questioned him about his behavior never did anything to stop it. The night I lost my virginity my mother was sleeping right next to us. To this day she swears that it never happened and defends him. After enduring this for three years I finally got enough courage to tell the elder I was studying with.

At first he was shocked and then confronted my mother. After having a meeting with my mother and my now brother-in-law they all concluded I was crazy and was making up lies. My brother-in-law was privately reproved for thirty days. It stopped for a little while until I cam back to NY. My mother after knowing what had happened would leave me with him. He would try and touch me every chance he got even with his two daughters in the other room. I would try to stay in the other room away from him and pray that someone would come home. Finally when the opportunity came for me to leave I jumped on it. He continued to try and contact me even after we were no longer living under the same roof. After about 3 months he stopped. After I told the elders my mother shunned me. She refused to talk to me to do any of the things she use to do, meanwhile she continued to pamper her son-in-law.

This became a dead issue that no one dares to talk about. My sister suspected but on the advice of my mother did nothing. She never told any one in the family what happened and simply called it revenge against my brother-in-law and that I was jealous of my sister. A few months that same brother who molested, raped, and manipulated me is now an elder in a position to do this to other young girls. I hate this religion and most of the people in it. No one reached out for me when I needed them. No one tried to protect me. Over the years I was the bad girl and still am, and the perpetrator is the victim. After what happened I lost all faith in JW and God. I will never go back and will never encourage my children to join that evil cult.

I thank all the women who had the courage to stand up and speak out.

RL

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Silent Lambs,

I was so overjoyed to finally read stories from other "silentlambs". I myself have been silent for many years. I was raised a witness in L, MD. My parents were not raised as witnesses but studied shortly after being married and became baptized. The couple that studied with them had a son "Jon" who was nine years my senior. From the time I was five until age eleven "Jon" molested me. I remember trying to tell my mother at one point when I was five who denied my allegations as "Jon" just being friendly. By the time I was eleven I was smart enough to lock myself in my room, however one day "Jon" broke in and raped me. At which point I told no one and endured the physical and emotional pain over knowing I would be called a liar again. "Jon" however was not the only one who molested me when I was a small child "Randy" who was sixteen also molested me. "Randy's" father was an elder whom we visited often. "Randy" is now an elder of a congregation in Maryland. I cringe to think of this man having a position of shepherding the flock when he was the wolf in sheep’s clothing to begin with. I have been disfellowshipped twice now and have never forgiven my mother for turning me away because of fear of these elders of the congregation and their threats of bringing reproach on Jehovah's name. I am disgusted to think that these predators are not viewed as the people bringing reproach to Jehovah's name. I have never truly trusted any man who is a Jehovah’s Witness. I don't think I ever could. After all they were the people who we were not supposed to have to worry about because of the moral stance they were supposed to have but they were the very ones who took my innocence.

JV

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I was born and raised one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. There are times when I can’t stop reading this web site. It is so comforting to read about people who really understand, although I certainly feel terrible about the pain that they have experienced. Long story short: I was a “perfect elder’s daughter in a perfect elder’s family” composed of a half-brother (now at Gilead), a half-sister (my best friend & now Catholic) & a sister (miserable). I am the youngest. My mother has been a regular pioneer since I went off to kindergarten. I was great in field service, participated in all meetings, studied the bible daily, was baptized at 12, was in multiple circuit assembly & district convention parts, etc. I think that in a culture where personal success/fulfillment is so taboo, we naturally become “obsessed” with these “spiritual things” because it is the only way we know how to be good at something! It is truly our only source of recognition! I have to admit that I view my childhood pretty fondly. My mother is an absolute Saint & she was amazing. She really taught me what being a good mother is all about. Like many witness women, she struggles with depression & therefore is very easily controlled by the “men”. I don’t blame her because I really believe that she does what she deeply believes is the right thing to do… and you can’t really blame someone for that… When I was about 19 I moved out of my parent’s home & stopped going to meetings. I knew I wanted to think for myself. Shortly thereafter, I found out that my father, the service overseer, had molested my sister (half-sister) many years ago. She also left the organization when she was about 19. He, of course, denied it & I’m sure that with the “2 witness” principle, you can figure out how the rest of the story went. I don’t remember any sexual abuse when I was young, but I have HATED my father for most of my life without really knowing why. He actually seemed glad to see me go (leave the congregation). It gave him an excuse to not speak to me anymore (something he had been practicing most of my life). I miss my mother & other sister terribly but unfortunately they are simply not mentally & emotionally strong enough to break free. I am extremely lucky however to have an amazing sister who I am very close to & a wonderful fiancé. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

NS

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My name is AK.  I am a 23 year old woman.  I was also raised jw.  In a small town, St.Thomas, Ontario. (the worst congregation ever!) Anyways, I am disfellowshipped now and couldn't be happier.  My mother was a closet alcoholic.  She beat us all the time over nothing.  I have an older brother and a younger sister.  He is now df'd as well.  My sister is 18 and sitting on the fence. I was sexually molested my whole childhood by an older cousin of mine.  He was baptized the entire time that he was raping me.  The first time I can remember, I was 5 years old.  It continued until I was 14.  By that time he had been married for a few years and was (and still is) a ministerial servant.  Since he started when I was so young I did not know that it was wrong.  Later when I started telling him to stop because I thought that it wasn't right, he told me that it was our secret.  So it still went on.  He was a very strange, twisted individual.  I need not say anymore. It basically stopped when I hit highschool.  He lived about an hour away and I believe was destroying another poor soul.  For years I blocked it out of my head with good help from drugs and alcohol.  Which obviously led to my disfellowshipping.  When I was 18, I married a jw. (before I was df'd) We ended up both smoking,druging and drinking.  We both got df'd before our wedding so no one attended.  Shortly after we got reinstated.  We never really attended meetings.  We were still secretly smoking.  Anyways my husband started doing hard drugs.  He'd come home late from work, I never knew what he was doing or where he was.  He lied to me all the time.  One day I walked in on him and 'my friend'.  I finally left the loser and the jw's for good. I met a wonderful man and moved in with him right away.  I told him my life story.  He had an idea where I was coming from since one of his step sisters is a jw.  The elders found out where I was and kept calling me telling me that they were going to df me.  I did not care.  I told them go ahead, I don't want any thing to do with a religion that allows pedifiles to be in thier church.( I had told the elders what my cousin was doing to me, they asked him and he denied it so they took his word)  So finally they df'd me again (thank God).  I'm still going through divorce proceedings from my ex.  Its taking a while.  He is still df'd.  I moved as far away as possible with my boyfriend.  We are out in B.C.  We have a beautiful daughter together.  Life is good.  My mother is still a closet alcohloic and still in the religion.  She doesn't talk to me much.  She hates me.  Thats okay cause I have all the family I need here.  My heart goes out to all of you.  Please get out of that cult while you can!  

AK

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It seems like a lifetime ago:

Today I am 47 years old. In 1962 when I was 5 years old my mother started studying with a pioneer, an absolutely wonderful, kindhearted woman. In our family there was Dad, Mom, I had two older brothers an older sister, and a younger sister so there was five children in our family. We were the children of two very unhappy people. I suppose Mom was looking for a greater meaning to her life, and the speeches that the witnesses give sound so wonderful. But in my experience in all the years I was associated with the brothers and sisters, the Kingdom Halls and all that goes along with it, I have to say that the evidence of what they preach about and promise you, with the exception of a few is void and vacant. It's like someone promising you everything, all the while you don't see the true unconditional love, the compassion, all that you read in scripture, is twisted and used against you.

In our family there was alcoholism, drug addiction, my poor older sister was subject to sexual abuse from my father , and my two older brothers for different periods of time. I my self was sexually abused by my younger older brother for I can't even tell you how long maybe 6 months a year?? Isn't that horrible, something like that happens to you and you can't even remember exactly when. I don't want to go into all the details or my whole story, but as a result of many things my father, and my younger older brother were both disfellowshiped, subsequently our family was shunned, instead of finding compassion guidance, and Love we were dirty and shunned, Imagine that.

When I was 11 my father (disfellowshiped) died at the age of 45, he had to have surgery, there were complications he needed blood transfusions and Mom would not sign. Dad passed away early on a Saturday morning the 20 th of September 1969. To back up for a moment in 1967 my older brother met a sister from another congregation Chicago Ill to be exact, and we really have not had a steady relationship with him since then, we all know his wife is a great influence on him as well as the Kingdom Hall. The next sad part of our story is that on a Friday evening the 13 th of July 1974 at the age of 46 with none of us at home with her my mother passed away from a heart attack. Myself and my younger sister were in foster homes at the time she died. She died all alone!

Many times we needed guidance and compassion and direction, but only found those with in the Halls to be judgmental, controlling, and just down right evil, still today I can remember their eyes, they pierce straight through you. I guess I knew a lot of unhappy, miserable people in my life. All my life though I knew there was a God, it wasn't their Jehovah God though. My God was never mean to me.

My younger older brother the one who molested me, there came a time when I forgave him, and we had a pretty good relationship, because he was truly sorry. He died at the age of 48 on August 20 th 2000. We were very surprised at the fact that our oldest brother came here to MA from CO for his funeral. What a wonderful time I had with my brother staying in my home with my husband my children (his nieces and nephew) we were so happy to be together. It came time for him to go back, we were said but talked about me coming to CO. My brother returned home and within a week I received an e-mail from him saying that he could not have a relationship with me because his wife said to him "didn't he remember what our mother had done to me", what does what my mother might have done to her, have to do with my brother having a relationship with me??? That is just a small bit of evidence of much that I have seen over the years from many associated with the Jehovah's Witnesses, not much Love there, is there. To be as honest as I can there were little things that happened between Mom & J as all things do in families, but as grownups you say your sorry, you make up and get over it. My sister-in-law JC was unkind to a lot of people in her life. She has done much damage to my brother and I don't know if he will ever see it. One of the interesting things is that my sister's and I all feel that our brother married someone very much like our mother, how Ironic.

The Jehovah's Witnesses do not want anyone out side there circle to know anything because we would see the "TRUTH" for what it is. I have a most amazing relationship with God I have a healthy, wonderful relationship to say the least with my husband of 23 years and my three angels my children. Life is good for me, I found Paradise away from the Jehovah Witnesses. I feel sorry and pray for those who are lost, and suppressed by the organization. Open your eyes and learn how to Fly.

AT

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I am a fifty-six year old woman who was raped by a Jehovahs Witness at the age of eight years old, I was raised in the religion, I grew to hate it, even though I let my mom and dad talk me into being baptized at the age of 12. I always knew that the rape was real and so did my mom even though I did not tell her, the rapist was a member of the organization, he gave me V.D., I got very sick because of it. I grew up as a rebellious teenager, and was out of the house by 17, of course I was disfellowshiped. It was the best thing to ever happen to me, I went to college and learned a trade, found a supportive husband, and two great sons, their humour and love has made me the person I am. Even though sometimes it is painful not to have your mom in your life, she has missed out on so many things with her kids, but that was her choice, this religion is one of the worst, indeed a cult.. I still deal with the pain, finding your site is sure an eye opener, we have truly been silent too long....

TS

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I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness but did not get baptized until after my divorce. I had two children, both boys who were very little when I officially became a Jehovah's Witness. Most of my immediate family were Jehovah's Witnesses, except for my father. He did not agree with the teachings.

Anyway, when my children were very little, I found out one of my sons had been molested by an elder's teenage son. The elder's son and this boy's younger sister had done babysitting for me on occasion. One day my little 2
1/2 year old son said something shocking to me. I knew something had happened because no child this age would say something like this or know this. I told the elder's wife about what my son had told me about what her teenage son had done to him. The elder father confronted his son and actually the wife told me that he was punching his son. Finally the boy admitted that he had molested my son and told his father in detail what he had done to him. One of the other elders called me and told me that Jehovah would handle this. He told me that I should not report this to the authorities. He said "the world does not know how to handle these situations". He said what had happened was simply childhood experimentation or playing doctor. I said "a 14-15 year old boy molesting a 2 year old is childhood experimentation?"

The only thing they did was they made this teenage boy apologize to me for the abuse he had done to my little son. This was the rape of a 2 1/2 year old child, and the elder's knew all the details.

Over the years this disgusted and haunted me. I kept thinking how could this be God's organization when this kind of thing is allowed? I became inactive and discouraged. My son was having problems and I kept wondering if it was because of what happened to him. I was a single divorced parent and this was just to much.

Then a few years ago, my brother who is an elder told me that his family had just found out that his granddaughter had been molested by an elder's son also. This was a different state than where I live in. She was only 6 years old and she was behaving strangely. It finally came out that this 17 or 18 year old elder's son had repeatedly molested her. My brother's step son and wife went to the elders of their congregation. The elders told my brother's step son and his wife to drop it and not to go to the police. They went to the police anyway and the guy was convicted and sent to prison. People at the Kingdom Hall hated them for this and many people were siding with this elder and his child molester son. My brother and his wife, and his step son and his family ending up moving out of state, they wanted to get a fresh start, they were all very wounded, especially the little girl. But the molester went to prison at least. But not due to any help from anyone in that congregation.

I thought about these things over the years and then I saw the Dateline program. I was so upset and it brought back all the memories from our own experiences. I was disgusted and it was then that I realized I had to get out of this organization. I officially disassociated myself in 2002 and I am now a Christian, and I would never go back.

Just wanted to tell my story. I am sure there are many other heartbreaking stories out there. I am the kind of person that stands up for what I believe and for what I think is right. I will stand against what I think is evil and wrong as well. I feel the organization is using the two witness rule to intentionally cover up evil. They are misusing scripture and using it for a purpose which God did not intend. They are lawless and I want no part of them.

Thank you for listening.

Anonymous in IL

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I am not a JW. Prior to finding this site, I knew very little about JW's, but certainly bore them no ill-will. Unlike those of you who have lived as JW's, or perhaps still live within that faith, I have no inner conflict over my following comments, and hope I am a ray of light to those who read this. I feel compelled to add that I view all humans as divine creations, and believe we are blessed to have minds that allow us to love and care for one another. I know that a loving God would be dismayed by the atrocities humans perpetrate against each other.
We may be from very different religious backgrounds, but sadly there are universal overtones in your s tori es and mine. BUT I BELIEVE WE ARE ALL LOVED EQUALLY BY GOD.

I was sexually abused for three years by a respected leader of our faith, in the guise of him being a "cool, in-touch" man, for whom normal rules didn't apply. Because of his role, and my respect for his position, and because my family were far more likely to believe him than me (he pointed that out continuously), I forced myself to believe that he was right and that as wrong as I felt, if I wasn't such a bad girl, I wouldn't have to try so hard to convince myself.
It started at a summer camp he was running. I was just gone 13, and had had my periods for over a year. One morning, as everyone was preparing for a hike, he sent for me and told me I would be staying back to do cleaning. He had reprimanded me the day before for a minor incident, and had promised a punishment. No hike or BBQ lunch, I got to clean toilets. As I was cleaning, he came into the bathroom, furious, and said that used sanitary pads had been found thrown onto the roof of my dorm, and all the girls were going to be checked to see who was menstruating. I was terrified by this, but as I didn't have my period at the time, I was relieved that it definitely wouldn't be me getting punished again. He said that as I had already shown a "wild side", I would be the first to be checked. I wanted to run out of that room, but I didn't dare move. He told me to remove all my clothes from the waist down. I started crying, and he said that he was a *****, and he had the absolute authority to do this. He raised his voice and said NOW!, DO AS YOU ARE TOLD IMMEDIATELY. In tears of humiliation and embarrassment, I did it, and covered my face as I stood there. He said the only way to know for sure was to look. I had to lie down on a cold toilet floor, and open my legs so he could see. He screamed at me for crying, and said he'd have to check me the "medical" way, because he couldn't trust me! He put his fingers in me, and then as I screamed in pain, he was on me and I was raped. After that, there was no way out of the "medical" checks. EVERY SUNDAY. They were violent, and always ended with me having to pray alone, for hours, before it was repeated and I was sent home. At 17, I finally left home, and the state, and have stayed away ever since. It took me 20 MORE YEARS before I forgave myself and realized that I was NOT THE ONE IN THE WRONG. To this day, my family refuses to hear a bad word against him, and I am estranged. BUT I AM FREE.

THIS IS MY MESSAGE: Life is a wonderful gift, and there is much love out there. No matter what has happened, YOU ARE 100% worth loving and being loved. God will deal with the people who have hurt us, betrayed our trust, and supported the perpetrators of any harm. The older I get, the more I believe that my greatest strength comes from loving myself and others, as does God, and that good will always triumph over bad. All of you out there who are in pain, you are survivors and an inspiration. You are a slap in the face to all those who wanted you to fail or fall, or even die. Believe in the goodness of each other, and leave it to God to mete out justice.
I wish you all positive and productive futures, and hope you find peace and love, as have I. God bless you all and may you be strong and of good courage. With love from Australia . 

ACL

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Thank you for your website. It feels me with both grief and comfort to know how many others have experienced the same awful events in their lives. Here is my story.

I was born into "the truth" and moved from New York to El Paso, TX when I was 5. For the most part my childhood was happy. Except for the extreme strictness and constant studying and church-going, I grew up as a happy kid. Years later, my family, nearly in poverty moved in with a some family friends while we tried to get back on our feet. I was 9 at the time. The family's father lived there too. He was a Regular Pioneer, around 70 years old and very well respected and loved by all, especially kids. We all called him "Pop" because he was like everyone's grandfather. I thought of him the same way too, until he sexually abused me on a few different occasions. I don't recall where everyone else was or why I ended up alone with Pop on those times, but the damage was done. I thought about telling my parents or my brother, but I was afraid that I did something wrong. I was always taught that SEX IS WRONG, but here is a well-respected, almost worshiped person sexually abusing me. Too confusing for any kid to deal with! I think I convinced myself that I was special because of it.

So I remained with this secret for many, many years. I began dating a 23 year old man who was also a JW when I was just 16. We began having sex (fornicating) and got married when I was 18. On the night before we got married, he raped me. During our 4 year marriage he was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. I divorced him after he admitted to an adulterous affair. It made it easier since the only way JW's will recognize divorce is adultery or death. After my divorce, I disassociated myself from the religion, and I then began a string of self-destructive behavior, mostly involving sex and bad relationships. I married 2 more times, had an abortion and tried to kill myself. I have never been able to remain faithful in any relationship until now.

I found out years later when I sort of confessed to Pop's real granddaughter that he did "something" to me that it was known that Pop grew up in an abusive household, and that Pop's daughters were abused as children. WHY WAS THIS MAN ALLOWED TO BE AROUND SMALL CHILDREN????!!!!!! WHERE WAS MY PROTECTION????!!!!

I never made any connection between my behavior and what happened to me until recently. About 4 1/2 years ago, I became very depressed and began thinking about Pop. I couldn't get it out of my head. I finally began to write about it. I wrote about everything I could remember. I was enraged, distraught and confused. I began to read everything I could find online and in book stores about abuse. I finally realized that some of my behavior was related to being sexualized at an early age coupled with the extreme viewpoints again sexual thoughts or actions that are taught by JW's.

I began counseling about a year ago, and it has been tremendously helpful. I am now 34 and finally feel like I have my life on track. I am still trying to deal with what happened and still trying to develop a healthy view of sex and my own sexuality. I'm still mad at Pop. He died many years ago, so I can't confront him. Writing this makes me feel a little better.

I hope everyone who has the misfortune of experiencing any kind of sexual abuse will get help and get the hell away from the abuser no matter what it takes. YOU ARE SPECIAL & IMPORTANT & NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU! You are not alone and my heart goes out to every abuse survivor!

Love to all,
CR

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Hello, My name is K. I am 37 years old and was raised as a Jehovah's Witness in the Cincinnati, Ohio area from the age of 6 until I officially left at the age of 22. I, like so many others was abused by my step-father (who was also an elder in our congregation). The abuse went on for at least 7 years, that I can remember. It started out slowly, but by the end, I had been sold to many men for sex and had been taken secretly to have 2 abortions by the time I was 17. The abuse was physical, emotional and sexual and when I confronted my step-father about this he told me that all elders do this with thier daughters. Little did I know how true that was. When I was 19 I brought the abuse to the attention of some friends of mine within the congregation and they encouraged me to go to the brothers with this information.  I was reluctant, because my step-father had always told me that noone would believe me. But, I came! forward anyway. The events that happened next were so horrible. First, I was put into a room with about 5 or 6 elders and literally cornered while they tormented me on why I decided to talk about it now if it had been happening for so long and demanding details that I would not give.  Finally, they brought me before my mother and step-father and confronted him about the abuse (which of course he denied) and then said that it sounded like a family issue that needed to be worked out and left the house. My entire family and support group chastised me. I felt I had nowhere else to go so I tried to stay and carry on. Eventually, I started telling everyone I could in the congregation about what had gone on and when I did that the elders had no choice but to take some public action toward my step-father. So, he was publicly reproved and I was asked to find another congregation to attend. In six months he was reinstated to an applauding congratulating congregation and noone would have anything to do with me, except for my mother who wanted me to tell her that it wasn't true.  Needless to say, I had some serious drinking and drug abuse problems that followed as well as 14 months in the psychiatric ward of the hospital and shock treatments.  The elders began hounding me about (of all things) my sexual history. Wanting to know if I had had premarital sex with a man that I had married. Finally, I guess I was disfellowshipped for what they thought I had done. Never seeing that my step-father had been having sex with me since I was 11 years old. It took several years, but I finally got sober. Left the Jehovah's Witnesses behind and began to put my life together. It was very difficult at first and getting me to talk about the details was a therapists worst nightmare, but eventually I let it all out. (Oh, and my mother and step-father were killed in an automobile! accident in the middle of all of this. ) Now, 14 years later, I feel I have healed so much from everything and that it has made me a stronger person to have gone through what I did. I never knew that this site existed and would have loved to have pursued some sort of legal action against the society or  the congregation or someone, but the limits have run out. I have a great life today and I am very happy and believe in a higher power that is all loving and kind. I wish to help others who have been abused and am currently going to college to hopefully get my masters degree in counseling. I have a very positive outlook on life and feel blessed to be here. I am currently considering writing a book about my life and when that's done I'm sure the healing will be extensive. I have forgiven my step-father...not for him...but for me. I could not hold on to the hate and heal at the same time.&nb! sp; Yes, I still have flashbacks and bad moments, but I get through it and realize how blessed I really am. Thank you for your courage in bringing this support group forth and I will help in any way I can. 

Sincerely

KG

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I am so grateful to have come across this website. As a person who has been greatly affected by abuse in the society, it makes me feel some relief that others see the same thing that I do.

I was sexually abused by my father when I was young. The court found him guilty and gave custody to my mother. The Elders at the Kingdom Hall at the time had many meetings with both my immediate and extended family at the time (most of my family members are Witnesses) and it was decided in the end to sweep it under the rug. My family were warned not to speak of it or it would be considered SLANDER. In order to protect my father, they asked my mother to leave the congregation, accusing her of only being there to spite him. Years later, as I put my heart and soul into studying and trying to do the right thing, they would do the same to me (even though I attended a different congregation). They said they weren’t clear of my ‘intentions’. My father has since become a well-respected Elder who is often featured at the District Convention and directs the featured Drama. Most people don’t know that it ever happened, the ones that do never speak of it. Even my own aunt doesn’t believe it ever happened, despite the court papers that my uncle has in storage.

My other aunt (my mother’s sister) married a man who was also a Witness, he came from a Witness family. He also turned out to be horrifically abusive.
He was borderline sadistic with my cousin from the time she was a baby till her teens. He ripped out her hair, he slapped her around and hit her and pushed her into things. He kicked and beat the family cat. When I was a baby my aunt babysat for me one day. My mom says I returned home that night with a giant handprint on my leg from where he had slapped me. My aunt is a very passive, quiet person who never wants to make waves. When she finally broke down and went to the Elders for help, they accused her of being at fault.
The man is the head of the house, obviously SHE was the one who was instigating it. They didn’t want to hear about it, they didn’t want to help her. So she stuck it out. He has sought out counseling many times since those days and is on a lot of medication. He still has a terrible temper but no longer is physically abusive. He is also no longer a Witness. My cousin who took most of the abuse has had a hard life. She has been on a lot of medication and has needed a lot of counseling to cope. When she acted out (and her acting out was nothing compared to what most teenagers do regularly), the Elders condemned her. Never once did they sympathize when they knew damn well what her life had been like.

When I was younger I went camping with my father’s family and another Elder’s family. He had a teenage son who was friends with my cousin. Boys will be boys and one day they were doing something mischievous like tossing rocks into trees or something silly like that. The dad lost it and dragged his son away, screaming at him and hitting him. It was horrible enough to see but what was even worse was that this wasn’t the first time. Everyone knew. And what did my father, the well respected Elder, do? Absolutely nothing. He stood by while the boy screamed and cried. My cousin’s mother looked horrified, shielding her son away from it. But nobody did anything.

A few years ago it made the news that a girl had been dis-fellowshipped and disowned because she had come out about some abuse that had occurred in her congregation. My own grandmother, one of the people I am closest too in this world, is a Witness. She was appalled that this girl had come out with ‘such lies’, an attempt to blast the name of Jehovah’s Witnesses. She was in complete disbelief that the Society would ever work to cover something up.

My mother asked her “Doesn’t this sound familiar?” Suddenly grandma didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

-K

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I am a 44 year old woman who was raised in the Jehovah's Witness organization. I am now disfellowshipped and I have blocked most of my memories for all of my childhood, which I have been told is probably a good thing. I recently saw a documentary called "Spiritual Shepherds" and thought to myself..."Finally...someone is doing something." I am the baby of 5 children. My mother, who was an extreme alcoholic, sexually abused at least one of my brothers, and beat them severely. My brothers, in turn, abused me and to some extent, my sister. I am not sure how young I was the first time, but I believe it to be somewhere around 8. Sexual abuse, physical beatings, horrible verbal attacks. I hold no ill will towards them...they were children too, but I have often asked myself why the elders did nothing. Our congregation was small back in the 60's and 70's. We were a close knit community. My mother loved to throw big pizza parties and everybody loved to drink and party. These brothers knew there were so many problems in our family. My mother was counseled for her alcoholism, which she never recovered from until I was 18. Too little...too late. Sometimes I wish I could remember things better, but what I wish for the most is that those elders had done something back then. Something that could have changed that little girls life. I have been married 5 times. I have had my own problems with substance abuse and promiscuity. For the longest time I associated sex with love...if you were having sex with someone, that meant you were being loved...and I needed a lot of love. I have been in rehab and a psychiatric hospital. Now...I'm okay. I managed to raise a beautiful daughter who is in college and I have been married now for 6 years (a record for me!). I own my own business now. I have done these things in spite of those things done to me. I am proud of myself that I didn't end up dead in the gutter. I wish I could take everything all those people have away from them. I wish I could take away what they allowed to be taken from me. My mother, who is now 84, is still a witness. She was spoken to once about sexual abuse and she categorically denied it, saying she didn't remember. She probably doesn't since she was drunk all the time. I don't like my mother...she is not a good person. I don't like those "brothers"...how can they sleep at night? Quite frankly, I don't think too much of god either.

For anyone reading this, I apologize if it sounds disjointed...it is difficult to put down 40 years of feeling on a single page. There are so many other things I would like to say, but I will end with this: To all of those out there who have gone through abuse of any kind...it is not normal...it is not your fault...and anyone who subjected you to it deserves punishment.

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I have 2 separate stories the first happened to my sister when we were little, my patents were jw and for many years I never understood why my mother would tell me that it was because of me that this man stoped abusing my sister. As I got older it finally came out. My older sister and me were sitting in front of the stage in the kingdom hall, by the way my father was an elder as far as I can remember, and I told my mother that, that man was the one that was touching my sister. I was to young to remember that my sister had mentioned it to me. All I know is that we were sent home and didn't see my dad till the next day. I asked my sister when we were older and already on our own, what had happened back then. She said the man was disfellowshiped and that she is scared that she will see him in a assembely.I got very upset because I can't believe that knowing that Jehovah put the laws here on earth for a reason the congregation wants take care of things on their own. It's fine to disfellowship them but right after the elders should be taking these people straight to the police department. My sister has many mental problems so I say. but guess what she is still a JW. I can't explain

OL

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I think what you've done here is courageous and admirable. My experience is twofold. I am 33 years old and left the religion 8 years ago. The first experience I am sharing involves an incident that happened when I was 14 years old. Being a curious and somewhat rebellious JW teen, I had sex with a 16 year old boy. Somehow, my parents found out. I was brought in front of an elder body consisting of 3 older men. They proceeded to ask me questions such as "did he touch your breasts?", "was there fondling involved before the intercourse?". I was so ashamed I was suicidal but no one knew. I had to deal with it on my own; there was no support, just shame. Since I ran the risk of losing my family and friends, I faked repentance and was not disassociated. For months after though, I was shamed by my family and the congregation. It was traumatic. Friends were not allowed to associate with me and all I had was my music (this i am thankful for because it's lead me to having a successful music career today!) Up until 4 years ago, I never thought twice about the incident but my anger outbursts and inability to cope with life brought me to a psychologist, and slowly the atrocities of the past revealed themselves. For the first time, I realized how horrible this must have been for me as a 14 year old girl, to have to answer those questions to these older men in front of my parents. It almost seems perverted. The shame follows me around to this day and is something I will have to deal with for years to come. Second story pertaining to sexual abuse. There is an uncle in the family who is a known pedafil. He is a JW as is most of my family and relatives. He has molested several of my cousins yet no one does anything about it. I found out my cousin had gone to the elders about this uncle in the last 10 years, but of course it was swept under the carpet by the congregation and never taken to authorities. Recently at a family funeral, he bragged to my mother about "sleeping with" my sisters when they were 4 in their bunk beds; the sparkle in his eye made the insinuation of sex obvious. I found this interesting as over the past 3 years, I had been dealing with repressed memory recovery of being sexually abused when I was 4; of course, my family thought i was crazy. Although he did not admit to abusing me, I'm sure it was him even though my memories are vague. My parents are so afraid of shaking things up, they will not even go to the elders about it. I told them if they didn't deal with it, i would go to the police (which I plan to do anyways). I am concerned for other children that he may have access to.

CR

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It seems a long time ago, now. However, I'm not lying in bed with the lights out.
Then, at night, it doesn't seem so long ago at all. I have a weight that still presses on me. Will it ever go away? Is he still lying on my body?
I'm 24!!!!

It's still all so confusing. I try to rationalize it all in my head, but it's nearly impossible to do so.

When I was young, my dad was a drinker, who was emotionally and physically abusive. While the physical abuse stopped, he remains emotionally abusive to this day. My mom has never loved another. She became a JW because of him. I was 6 when he began to study. He was disfellowshipped during the period that follows for being unfaithful to my mom. She, however, is a good little witness.

By the time my tenth birthday rolled around, I was as good as a JW kid could be. I excelled at door-to-door, any presentations, and Bible trivia. I'd already been on two circuit assemby presentations and one district. I loved "the truth" and it loved me.

In our congregation there was a family that had always been there, but had always been ill regarded. Along the way, the family got in dire straits.
Some of them came to stay with us. One in particular lived with us for a few years. This particular one was a regular pioneer. He is the one who took my virginity at 10. It all began very innocently. It began with him tickling me, hugging me or offering to help with dishes (and accidently bumping into my breasts or other places). It freaked me out, but he would never do anything that wasn't proper......right????

The story moves on over several months of things moving forward until the most horrible night that led me to believe I was pregnant for almost a year.
My life has never been the same. I have never been the same. I have survived, but it will always be a battle, I think. It all ended, after a year of late night atrocities, when I threatened his life. He ended it by giving a 12 year old girl a gold "I love you" bracelet. Soon, he moved out & to a town on the coast. I would see him and his friends (other single, pioneer brothers) at conventions. It was almost as if it never happened.

A few years later, at my best friends house I was consumed by emotion over my lost innocence. She had been talking of this and that....and I broke out in sobs. I told her. The next day, she wrote in her diary. That night her mom read it. She told her daughter that I had to go to the elders or she would. My mom and I went to the elders. There I was told that I had led this brother on.... Nothing was done about it. He is now married and has a little girl. I worry for her alot.

I left "the truth" at 16. I am now 24 and live my life on my terms. I still consider myself a spiritual, good person. However, there are betrayals that hurt worse than being raped in the middle of the night at 10.

What will ever be done about this? How many others are still suffering at the hands of these "spiritually enlightened brothers"?

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I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My parents were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses. My extended family on both sides are Jehovah's Witnesses. According to the model of what your supposed to do this should make for a "happy family."

As a child my father was a pervert. He never actually touched me but he exposed himself to me and my physical sisters on a regular basis as well as talked and behaved in a sexually perverted way around us. He 'spanked' us with a belt frequently from the age of 3 years old on up leaving bruises on our skin and scars in our hearts.

I later found out that his father was a pervert who abused his own mentally retarded daughter and also exposed himself to women in public several times.

Our mother was depressed, I recognize that now as an adult, and did nothing about his behavior. She was verbally abused and was worn down by life.

Meanwhile, in other JW sections of our family more mental problems and incest that produced a child was happening in the home of my Uncle the elder. I also found out that another uncle's wife was abused from the time she was about 6 until she was engaged by her father, an elder.