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Dear Dad
An abuse survivor writes a letter to her father

Dear Dad

 

I am 35 years old now, a grown woman, still 13 years your junior to when you started molesting me, when you were 48 and I was only 15 years old.  Did you notice I used the word abuse?  Oh you don't like that word well let me try another, child molester.  Oh you don't agree with that either?!!  What would you call it then?  An affair - don't make me laugh.

 

I was 15 years old, you were 48 and you were my dad.  I was young, you were way too old and you were my dad.  I had never dated or had my first kiss, you were married and you were my dad.  I was tall and very beautiful, you were short and fat and you were my dad.  I have never fancied you or looked at you in a sexual way, never ever but you fancied me and looked at me sexually when I was your daughter and you were my dad.

 

I lay there, stiff as a board whilst you rubbed yourself up and down on me until you came and you were my dad.  I never touched you, I just lay there whilst you touched my body all over and you were my dad.  Inside I screamed NO NO NO but I never said anything because you were my dad.

 

What's that?  Yes, you are right I told you that I loved you because you were my dad.  Yes, I held your hand because you were my dad.  Yes, I asked you if you loved me because you were my dad.  But I never wanted you as a lover because you were my dad.  I never said no, I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you were my dad.  I wanted to throw up because it was SO disgusting and you were my dad.  I once froze because I felt so nauseous and so close to throwing up and you asked whether I'd come and if so you'd stop and I lied so you would stop because you were my dad.

 

I would tell you I felt guilty and couldn't pray anymore to make you stop rather than tell you how disgusting it all was because you were my dad.  I didn't tell anyone because you were my dad.  I felt guilty when you called me your favorite in front of my siblings because you were their dad.  I felt guilty and thought I was the "other woman" that mum didn't know about but I wasn't - you were my dad, an abuser and a molester.  I am 35 years old and now I say again you molested me, abused me, brain washed me and you could do all these things because you were my dad.

 

You crawled into my bed, took me into mum's bed, told me things about your sex life with mum that no child should hear and you were my dad.  You damaged me in ways you can't even begin to understand and stole my adolescence away from me and you were my dad.  When I was so overwhelmed with guilt and you found out that I had stopped praying then you would stop crawling into my bed and sit on my bed and pray for me but that still made me feel sick and inside I was still screaming NO NO NO.  Do you know that I haven't been able to pray for the last 20 years?  You should be ashamed of yourself because you were my dad.

 

You did all this and then if I talked to a boy, I repeat TALKED to a boy, you called me a whore or a slut - you shouldn't have called me those awful names because you were my dad.  You hit me at 13, 19 and 30 each time was very traumatic and more humiliating and you were my dad.

 

I was imprisoned from the outside world, no friends at school, no friends at church - I was isolated from the world - tell me why dad?  Scared I would tell?  When I finished school I worked for the family business, no college.  Tell me why dad?  Scared I would tell?  When I wanted my first boyfriend at 18 years old you said no and banned us before we even knew if we really liked one another.  Tell me why dad?  Scared I would tell.  When I was 19 years old you said I could never see him again; "not now, not ever".  Tell me why dad?  Scared I would tell?

 

When I finally had the courage to speak out and get help you convinced the elders on the committee, and mum at the time, that we'd had an affair; but years later I doubt even they believe that any more because I was your child and you were my dad.  For a long time I was shocked when I heard the words incest, abuse, molestation because for years you told me it was an affair but it wasn't - you were my dad.

 

Since I was 19 years old when I had the courage to speak out and within a month you had taken my whole family 3,000 miles away to the US, I have traveled those 3,000 miles two or three times a year and busted a gut to keep my family and build bridges with you.  Do you know why?  Because they were my family and you were my dad.

 

When you still continued to talk crazy I did not shut you out of my life because you were my dad.  You got bent out of shape when you found out I had told my story to siblings, husbands, friends or therapists but this is my story and my way of coping and you should not have criticized or blamed me for trying to find a way to cope with all this because you were my dad.

 

You let me down in the worst possible way, you set me up for failure with your verbal, physical, psychological, spiritual, emotional and sexual abuse and you were my dad.

 

So I stand up proud today and say:

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor.  It was not my fault.  I did not participate.  I was manipulated and abused and fondled and molested.  I was confused and scared and hurt.  I was full of shame and guilt and pain."

 

So I say it again:

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor.  It was not my fault.  I am not to blame.  I did not participate.  You manipulated me and you were my dad.  You abused me and you were my dad.  You fondled me and you were my dad.  You molested me and you were my dad.  I feel no shame I feel no guilt and I give you back the shame, the blame, the guilt and the pain."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot get into my bed anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot get into my head anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot violate my body anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot get into my spirit anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot get into my energy anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot get into my emotions anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and you dad cannot interpret the past for me anymore."

 

"My name is W X X I am 35 years old and an incest survivor and your daughter, dad.  You are L X X, you are 68 years old and a perpetrator, an abuser and a child molester, a bully and a terrible father, but still, you are my dad."

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